Part 21: Hail Caesar!
Oh, hey, it’s That Guy. I wonder what role he’s going to play in this chapter. Let’s find out!
CUTSCENE: A Fake Goddess?
We arrive at the gate of Count Drisdall’s mansion across from the Central Station and are greated by this pleasant-looking fellow out front.
Guard: Yes, what is your business?Avon calling!
Eldore: We have something the Count might be interested in; a statue he’s been looking for: the Goddess of Lépanne.
Guard: Really now. Did you think we were going to fall for that?
Orren: But out plan was so fool-proof!
Guard: The Count has that piece. In fact, he just recently acquired it.
Leonard: No wait! He couldn’t have! It’s a fake. It must be!
Guard: Move along, please.
Leonard: Come on! Just tell him, please! Why would we lie?As usual, Leonard’s logic is utterly flawless and his gift for persuading people unparalleled.
While I don’t necessarily know about Leonard, I know those hips don’t lie. Look everyone, it’s That Guy.
And he has a face now!
This Guy: Trouble?
Guard: Ah! Lord Caesar. These folks here. They’re trying to claim they have the Goddess of Lépanne.
Caesar: Really? They found the Goddess?
Leonard nods curtly.
Caesar opens his mouth and starts jawing with the guard out of earshot.
Yulie: Psst! Hey, Caesar? …As in Drisdall’s only son and heir? 
Yulie: I don’t know what the townsfolk are talking about. He looks pretty intelligent to me. Don’t you think? Orren: Not when it comes to practical attire. Yulie: Oh shut up. He’s dreamy 
Leonard: …Yeah.
Caesar: So hey.
Yulie: Oh! Yes?
Caesar: Just in case, I wanna look at that Goddess of Lépanne you say you’ve got.
Caesar: Please, step inside.CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Lando’s Palace” (Disc 2, Track 6 of the Empire Strikes Back soundtrack) … Not really, but it’s what’s playing in my head right now. And it’s entirely appropriate, as Caesar is this game’s Lando Calrissian, and I love the fuck out of Lando (and Caesar).
Yulie: “Just in case”…?
CUTSCENE: Caesar’s Palace
So for whatever reason, while we’re in Caesar’s room, the game automatically de-equips whatever cape accessories we have equipped on everyone, which in this case is just Eldore’s trademark green cloak, and the fur muffler on Orren’s jacket, because that’s actually an accessory.
This is one of only two places in both games that does this, to my knowledge, and I don’t really know why that is. Anyway, Eldore looks decent sans cape, but Orren loses something without the collar. So if you’ll permit me, I’m going to crudely photoshop it back in for these next few screens.
There, that’s looks
Caesar: Mmmhmm. This is the Goddess of Lépanne, huh?
Yulie: Yup! Real as real can be.
Caesar: ‘Kay, but why’d you bring it here?
Leonard: It’s for Count Drisdall. We want to ask him a favour in return.
Caesar: A favour?
Caesar: I dunno… Isn’t bribing public officials against the law?
Yulie: What? No! We would never—
Caesar: Ha hah! Down, girl. Just joking. And I know your statue’s real.
She wants to kick him into orbit by his balls. Yulie is so great. I might have been a little too harsh on the game up till this point. Between her, Kara, and Caesar, this game is actually on the road to redemption.
Also, I’m loving Caesar’s Lord Byron outfit in the painting behind Orren’s head. I honestly wish we got badass Pirate Caesar as our final party member rather than Boy-Shakira Caesar, but whatever, it’s not the packaging that counts, it’s what’s inside that matters.
That said, why does Caesar have multiple paintings of himself in his room? The one over Yulie’s shoulder, I’m at least assuming is his mother, but still doesn’t explain why it’s bookended by two pictures of himself, particular a giant fuck-off wall-sized one.
So Yulie slams her ass down on the couch in a huff, finally bested by a superior wit.
Leonard: You do? Then what about the Count’s?
Caesar: Ha hah! Oh, that one’s a fake I threw together.
Caesar: Yeah, if you saw ‘em slobber over it…
Caesar: They’ll kill me when they see the real one. Oh well.
Yulie: Huh?
Caesar: Alright, let’s go see my old man. Time to fess up.
Kara: The townsfolk were right about him. Eldore: Hmmm.
CUTSCENE: The Reason Why
And with that we get our first glimpse of Count Drisdall, bedridden from the last stages of an old ailment, the cause of which we only sort of maybe find out in game 2, and only if you want to make the connection from A to B because Akihiro Hino’s a terrible writer.
Caesar leads the party into his father’s chamber.
He has the same confident swagger as Leonard does, though in Caesar’s case, it’s 100% earned, if not now, then it will be by the time the Greede arc is over.
Eldore: Huh?
Eldore spots the fake Goddess of Lépanne on the mantle.
Looks pretty similar to our Goddess, no?
Wait, Caesar made that?
By himself?
Holy—
Count Drisdall: What is it, Caesar? Who are these people?
Caesar: Hey, Dad. I’ve got some good news and a liiittle bad news.
Caesar: Sadly, your statue’s a fake… But…
Caesar: The good news is, these folks brought the real one.
Count Drisdall: What?! And you knew about it? You lied to me again? How many times must I warn yo—
Count Drisdall: [Heavy phlegmy coughing]
Caesar: Yeah yeah, I know, Dad. I blew it.
Caesar: But come on…
Caesar: You’ve got to learn to relax, really?You’re probably wondering why I’m not going over Caesar with both barrels for what an utter dickback he’s being to his dying father while I scream in paragraph format at Leonard for breathing.
That’s because, yeah, Caesar is being a utter dickbag to his old man, but unlike Leonard, he has an actual reason for being so aloof and blasé (he’s terrified of the fact that his father is dying so he intentionally acts like an careless dork as an emotional shield against the inevitable), and unlike Leonard, he suffers actual consequences for his actions, but we’re getting to that.
Caesar: I made the one that I gave you. Boy, did I have you fooled.
Caesar: I thought I did a pretty good job.
Count Drisdall: Ooooh, my boy…
Caesar: Well, that’s my cue to go.
Caesar: Hey, be sure to thank these folks.
Caesar: If it wasn’t for them, where would you be?
Caesar: Later.
Count Drisdall: This is the last straw! 
Count Drisdall: I’m disowning you this time, you useless idio—
Count Drisdall: [Heavy coughing]
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Kara’s Theme” (Unreleased Track)
Count Drisdall: Excuse me. That couldn’t have been pleasant to watch. I’ve just about given up on that feckless son of mine.And I know I named this track “Kara’s Theme,” but it’s kind of the game’s go-to emotionally heavy, bittersweet track, which if you know anything about Kara’s character, pretty much sums her up in a nutshell.
Count Drisdall: Doesn’t he see how little time I have left?
Jeeves here brings a thick blanket for the Count as he sits up properly to play host to our
Count Drisdall: In any case, you have indeed brought me the real Goddess of Lépanne.
Count Drisdall: Oh, if you knew how long I have searched for this treasure!
Count Drisdall: You see, my wife and I saw it when we first went to an art museum, years ago…
Count Drisdall: She… is gone now, but when I look upon this, it’s as if it took place just yesterday.D’aaww.
Also
Count Drisdall: And yet my son makes light of it.
Count Drisdall: Well, regardless, I am very much in your debt. Tell me how I might repay you. If it is within my power, I shall.
Orren: Ten million guilders and a lord— Eldore: BE QUITE, NILES!
So the Wonder Twins looks at each other and nod hopefully.
Mission accomplished.
CUTSCENE: Count Drisdall’s Promise
Count Drisdall: I see. You want Greede to be placed so that you can enter the caverns? Eldore: Yes. That is exactly what we just told you, word-for-word. Count Drisdall: Well, I’d be more than happy to do that for you, except…
Leonard: What? Orren: Are you secretly evil too? Count Drisdall: No. Why do you— Orren: Prior experience. Long story; you don’t want to hear it.
Orren: I don’t know why anyone would, honestly. And yet here you are still…
Count Drisdall: As you know, the mining season has ended, so I decided to give Amir some vacation time. 
Count Drisdall: He’s the Demithor’s handler, you see.
Count Drisdall: I suspect he’s spending his holiday somewhere in the city…
Count Drisdall: But I have no idea where, I’m afraid.
Count Drisdall: You’ll have to find Amir yourselves, if that’s alright… 
Count Drisdall: And give him this message from me.
Count Drisdall: But he’s very committed, so once he reads it, I’m sure he will lend you a hand.
The Drisdall Family, ladies and gentlemen: thoroughly smashing the “virtue and competence are mutually exclusive traits” trope this game has been running with since the first second this LP started.
So the party gathers outside the Count’s chamber, and…
Leonard: Oh.
Caesar: Uh… Hahuh…
This should be good…
CUTSCENE: And Caesar Makes Six
Caesar: Aha. Have to find Amir, huh? Well, your best bet would be to check downtown at the bar. Or under it, knowing Amir.
Leonard: Got it. Thanks!
Caesar: Actually, I have a little favour to ask. I was, um, hoping to tag along.
Leonard: With us? Orren: Is there another group of idiots in the room that only you can see?
Caesar: Dad kind of… kicked me out of the house.
Caesar: Come on, I could really use the company.
Look at that face. Are you going to say no to that face?
Kara: That makes one of us then. 
Eldore: Why not? Come with us if you like.
Kara: Urgh!
Everyone: Huh?!
Caesar: Wow! Seriously?
Caesar: Thanks, friendly old guy… whose name I don’t know! All of you.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Recollection”
Caesar: I owe you big time!
Kara: Hey. What are you doing? Eldore: This Caesar… he doesn’t strike you as a curious fellow?
Kara: Why?
Eldore: Didn’t you see? The gems in that fake Goddess were real firestones. Not just one, but two of them, mind you. He’s no ordinary fool. Otherwise, how would he have gotten those stones?
Eldore: He put far more effort into crafting that fake than we put into finding the real one. 
He’s player character material for sure. Also I love how he just yanks Leonard right to his feet…
For a handshake no less.
Yulie: It’s true. Not to mention, he did it for his father’s sake.
Yulie: I don’t know if he’ll be any good in a fight… but hey, he’s got a big heart. That has to count for something, right?
Kara: What he has is a big mouth.
And for whatever reason he starts checking out Leonard’s ass.
Caesar: Heeey man, I like your threads. Wherd’ya get ‘em? You wouldn’t want to trade… would ya? Huh?
Caesar: I’m just saying…The funny thing is, after you beat the first game, you can then buy generic versions of everyone’s character-specific default clothing from the Adventurer’s Guild Dahlia Exchange. Each piece of clothing is 60 Dahlia a piece and has stats comparable to some of the actual armour pieces you get by that point in the game. And unlike the character-specific versions, you can equip them on any of the characters (of the same gender, anyway). So you literally can have Leonard and Caesar wearing each others clothes eventually.
And Caesar seals the deal with a friendly punch to the arm.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “New Allies” (Unreleased Track)
So for our next fetch quest, we need to fetch Amir and then drag him to the Demithor’s head. But that’s for next chapter.
Hot bloody damn! It was about time we got someone in this group with a sense of humour. Though I was enjoying Yulie’s wit and Kara’s temper, it had been ages since I had legitimately smiled about anything.
I wasn’t always this angry murderous curmudgeon. I swear. I am capable of being down right princely to people. It’s just that…
Well…
Leonard. Need I say anything else?
Hopefully, I thought, a nice dose of Vitamin Caesar would cure that condition up rather quickly.
Things were finally starting to look up.
